We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day!
-Henry V
I am pro-marriage, if you can find the traditional kind. But there’s something too many men lose as they grow up, get married and become responsible adults, and it has to do with male companionship. I want to argue here that male bonding is essential throughout every phase of life, and should be cultivated at all times. It’s necessary for a man’s emotional health, for society’s health, and is one of the prime ways of promoting Virtus – that is, excellence.
I’ll begin with a story: a few years ago, when I got married, my best man and I shared a room the night before the wedding. We decided to stay up late playing video games, because early in the evening, my friend looked at me and solemnly said something I will never forget. He said, “This is the last night we will ever really hang out together the way we used to.“
That statement shook me to the core: all the good times we had shared, the friendship that had endured and flourished for so many years, would now be altered forever. This was my childhood best friend; we had stayed up late talking to each other throughout grade school, high school, college… sharing our experiences… our firsts… our ideas and plans. And my friend and I would never have quite those same sorts of discussions again. Yes, we would (and do) still see each other, but never again would we be each other’s chief confidante.
In one corner of the internet I left this comment:
… suffice it to say that in my view one of the reasons for the enduring popularity of the Lord of the Rings is that the story presents a sublimation of male bonding through adventure. One of the reasons LotR still appeals to me as an adult is that with a wife and kids I can no longer go on “adventures” with the guys the way I used to – and that correspondingly means I can no longer *bond* with the guys the way I used to.
And I’m one of the fortunate ones, with a good marriage in which my wife respects my headship. Today, in contrast, most men are either disallowed to engage in traditional male bonding (because of nagging wives/partners and confusion over gender authority), or else it is the butt of a gay joke when men become too close.
Elsewhere at The Hall I’ve said that reading homoeroticism into Tolkien is anachronistic, and that’s true. In the Lord of the Rings, the bond between the hobbits is not sexual; rather, it’s one of deep, intimate friendship – the kind that only males in their youth can share. A primary theme in LotR is loss: it’s a characteristic of our world that everything wonderful eventually passes away. At the end of the book, so much has been destroyed; there’s so much that can never be restored; and one of the lesser-discussed casualties of the quest is the relationship between the companions. The adventure catalyzes the hobbits’ maturation, and while they share a unique bond throughout the adventure, it gradually dissolves as they return home, start families and begin “real” lives. Sam’s marriage to Rosie, and Frodo’s subsequent departure, is of course the best example of this, but it happens to every member of the Fellowship.
One of my favourite parts of LotR is Boromir’s death scene. We’ll look at Peter Jackson’s film version rather than Tolkien’s original:
Boromir: Forgive me. I did not see. I have failed you all.
Aragorn: No, Boromir. You fought bravely. You have kept your honour.
Boromir: Leave it! It is over. The world of Men will fall. And all will come to darkness. And my city to ruin.
Aragorn: I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you, I will not let the white city fall. Nor our people fail.
Bormir: Our people… Our people… I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My King.
(Aragorn kisses his forehead.)
How do we interpret this? Let’s consider the four types of love described by C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves:
Storge – Affection
Philia – Friendship
Eros – Romance
Agape – Unconditional Love
Clearly, as I have said, reading Eros into this relationship is an anachronism committed by the emotionally illiterate. The bond between Aragorn and Boromir is one of Storge and Philia, with the added dimension of respect. These great men have come to love each other as friends, partly out of respect and admiration for each other’s Virtus. This is a sort of bond that a man cannot share with his wife, no matter the quality of their marriage, because women cannot exhibit Virtus in the way that men can, and consequently there is a certain sort of respect and admiration that is only possible between males.
When I was in college, I had a group of seven or eight friends. We were reasonably close, and we shared a lot of good times together. Everyone who didn’t have one was always wanting a girlfriend – that is to say, a girlfriend’s vagina – but we always hated it whenever anybody actually got a girlfriend because it meant that guy’d not be around as much, and the group dynamic was impaired.
So consider Peter Pan. You may have heard that certain marriage advocates have coined the term “Peter Pan syndrome” for young men who refuse to grow up and commit themselves. There’s something good about this criticism – starting a family and adopting responsibility for it is manly. But I haven’t seen anyone ask: what happened to the Lost Boys when Peter grew up? While he was busy with marriage and family, don’t you think Peter Pan ever missed the steadfast, honest companionship of his former comrades? I bet he did.
When I was a youth, I shared an awful lot with my best friend, and many times over the years he sharpened me, as iron sharpens iron. Nowadays, I love my wife – but she is a woman, and there are certain things she can never share with me or understand about me. So if you are a young man, I advise you to treasure those friendships. If you are older, or have a family, remember that one of your many responsibilities is to yourself, and to your community. Never stop cultivating those male bonds. They’re vital.
Just now saw this. Good post.